i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
She wanted to watch a Baby Einstein DVD while we fucked. I'm pretty open minded but that felt a little creepy.
I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
i just spent 10 minutes talking to the lady who works at taco bell about my romantic situation.
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
It was disgusting, and I would've rather licked the condensation off the windows instead, but I figured that's wasn't very ladylike
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
Try to make ecstasy cheese. Capitalize on the molly and greek yogurt trends. MARKETING
After you punched me you ran away and it took an hour to find you... On the wrong floor... Sitting alone saying "it doesnt make sense"
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
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