don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
I'm starving. my midnight snack, aka a teaspoon of cum, isn't holding me over
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
Seriously I can't get a booty call for some baked goods.
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
Come camping we have xanax and steaks
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
Randomize
