Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
i find it a beautiful talent that i know how much pubic hair the girl in the next stall has just from the sound of her urine
we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
Have you ever noticed that nowhere is the same thing as now here, i get my best ideas when i smoke
He asked me to touch his mustache. Should I go home with him?
who loves string cheese????? I LOVE STRING CHEESE!!!
you know...if you didn't give such great head little things like this would ruin our friends with benefits relationship.
After what u did to that bathroom I think the $30 and the "sorry I'm a jackass" note was the thing to do.
I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
I think she must be bulimic. I mean, every time I see her I know i want to throw up.
The Angel on my shoulder is now resorting to merely reminding me that, "You will regret this later." I'm not sure if he's learning how I think or just giving up. Either way, should make life a bit more interesting.
was it wrong to tell him he's welcome in my pants any time?
I'm not THAT invested in seeing you to an orgasm
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
Can you please come in my room and pour water in my mouth? Too hungover to move. btw who is this guy in my bed? Can't see his face. Cute?
Randomize
