There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
It's not real sex if he's just convulsing inside of you.
I decided that just having that story under my belt and being able to tell it to my grandchildren is worth the regrets of the evening.
his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
I have too much pride to pick his chest hair out of my mouth again
2011 senior yearbook drinking game. we're taking a shot whenever some dumbass uses that quote about how life isn't isn't about the breaths you take, but the moments that take your breath away. also that retarded wayne gretzky one about missing shots you don't take.
PS August 29 of last year was when you ran over my foot. Facebook just reminded me.
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
And then he said, "let's have sex and I'll send you home with enchiladas."
First encounter with a mirco peen. I was confused when he said he doesnt go down on girls. Cmon dude, practice on a peach.
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
& I came downstairs to find my whole family discussing the fact that I have a vibrator, which my mom found accidentally....
Randomize
