saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
you were calling yourself Ulickes S. Cunt.
I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
No one actually likes Tequila. They just accept it as a fact of life. Like hpv.
You guys seriously fuck to bieber? That's embarrassing...
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
How many ice cream sandwiches is an acceptable meal replacement?
2.5
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
i have no feeling in my penis or fingers but i think it was worth it
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
HE MIGHT HAVE YOUR BUTTHOLE, BUT HE CANT HAVE YOUR HEART. THATS MINE.
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
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