Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
Last night he tried to put me in their garbage can and then sprayed me with a fire extinguisher in their kitchen...that house is always interesting
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
I may be in the process of acquiring a second male fuck buddy and dating a girl....FUCKING STOP THE TRAIN I'M ON! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!!
Itll be like a collage of penis. And not that abstract, one penis in a big painting contemporary shit. Collage....
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
I haven't included my nuts in a shave since the Shaq/kobe Lakers era. I gave my self the ol full court press in order to change the tempo.
I dipped out before he woke up, but I made sure to take the pizza with me.
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
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