3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
nothing like a tattoo of a large eagle attacking a small eagle whos attacking a shark to bond to siblings together for life
you literally pushed me forward in the seat so you could puke behind my back without the cabbie noticing..
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
You have no idea what this goes for my ego. I literally made you cum in your sleep.
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
I'm not sure of this happened or if it was just a dream... But I vividly remember you walking down the street naked?
No actually I had socks on...
I’m honestly just flattered that you think I could make PornHub’s Top 10.
Just peed on the front lawn of the capital building. Great American.
whatever, tonight I’ll be getting my ass eaten by an aussie so we good
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