If there's ever a time when I've matured to the point that I don't want to look at camera-phone-titties, go ahead and bury me in a shallow grave by the railroad tracks.
she played "i just wanna get married" by jagged edge while we were having sex. why cant i avoid stage 5 clingers
NEVERCLEAR, NEVER AGAIN.
you know u lost to a carboard cut out of sammy sosa in beer pong last night.
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
But he made me breakfast and understands the fuck sleep fuck sleep necessities
Day #3 of being the only sober person at the bar. This is depression.
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
I told you all we needed steroids to survive the tour de franzia, like the bikers. But nobody listened...
Dad had me doing shots of chocolate mint Everclear last night. I've never felt closer to him.
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
i want to platonically make out with them, platonically. in the back of this minivan
You know your Halloween costume is slutty when you have to shave your pubes to wear it.
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
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