FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
I just had some guy offer to eat me out on my lunch break... I think single life is getting better everyday
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
I remember telling you it was cold out because the sun was going to explode and people were going to fight for corn. I feel I've mislead you.
i just remember explaining why my socks were better than everyone elses.
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
Quick!! What's a good reason for me to have rug burn on my chin?
I'd rather not be labeled as that girl who came over, drank a bunch of their alcohol, woke up the 5 year old, broke shit and left
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
I broke my heels and ended up on a random party bus where I passed out after a brief stripper pole incident.
I'm a 23 year old adult who just ordered condoms online from Target because I'm still too embarrassed to buy them in the store.
He was going down on me and all I could think about was how proud of me you'd be
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
Randomize
