toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
We were eating hotdog buns dipped in French onion dip in lawn chairs at 4am. That drunk
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
Fuck that. I will get OUT of CONTROL And rise from a hangover on Sunday like Jesus himself.
Actually some of the best sex I've had involved a lot of laughing.
How small IS your cock?
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
There are Vine videos that have lasted longer than he did
I made him fuck me with my coat zipped up and a unicorn mask on. That level of drunk sex. Weird and creepy yet highly satisfying.
So is that the only criterion for shenanigans now? Don't die?
It feels like the devil is humping my brain with his razor sharp erection.
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
Randomize
