you're like the ceasar milan of boners... you understand them on a different level.
i feel like pocahontas...the disney character not from real chance of love
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
The more I stare at her and block out what she's actually saying with thoughts of what she could be saying, the more interested I become
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
It'll just be like "PENIS HERE". In case you get lost.
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
It's Reggie from Taco Bell, send me a pic.
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
She was talking about how a garden gnome was hitting on her the whole night. We thought she was just that high, but turned out the gnome was that guy in the weird hat.
It's been three years since Kelly shit in the to go box that we put in Sam's mailbox after we broke up. Considering Sam and I are friends again, should I finally tell him?
Randomize
