Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
i want to give my vagina back to god and say no thank you
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
It was weird. Like "Mom, Dad, here's a guy who knows my orgasm face".
You were being mean. And telling everyone to suck your six inch strap on. People were not pleased
Please be lying.
Im not. Your family was creeped out
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
It was like being run over by an orgasm freight train.
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
If you recall, I made a Zoolander reference almost immediately after you pulled out of me the first time we had sex.
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
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