It saddens me that girls will never know the wonder feeling of pulling your sweaty nutsack off of your leg.
this dieting is killing me...just started drooling watching a dog food commercial
walkin home..,.jsut saw the cheshire cat
watch out for the queen of hearts
fuucck i forgot ab her
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
I guess I tried to show you how big my closet was and we ended up eating pickles in my bathroom
Whatever. I indirectly made you cum overseas. Call it even.
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
I get a little bitchy. We all know that
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
You tried paying your tab with the coaster
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
Hey! Its not the first time I've been eaten out in a bridesmaids dress in a church by a groomsman!
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