OKAY SO WHENEVER I SEE AN UGLY COUPLE I ALWAYS WONDER WHAT THEY SAY TO EACH OTHER IN BED. creepy?
we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
Im watching hello kitty on qvc debating if its a good idea to cook bagel bites on my space heater
we're going to dress like we're asking for it, because we are
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
You chanted SOFA PIZZA all night then we woke up to find about ten slices under the cushions where you were sleeping....
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
I don't know if trying Molly for the first time before my flight was an awesome or aweful idea
It probably would have happened but I just can't picture myself losing my virginity while laying on top of his Quiksilver duvet set.
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
So we decided we're going to stop having sex...except for tonight. And probably tomorrow.
So I considered mediating this morning and instead I master-bated...same thing right?
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
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