Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
So I just passed a billboard for "Risque Cafe: Good food and topless women". Fuck. I love SC.
you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
Somehow I managed to make my Dunkin Donuts uniform look slutty. And I'm not even wearing hoops.
The chips are stabbing my teeth, and I can feel the muscle under my mouth contracting.
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
five cans of playdoh and a game of guess whose penis ...
Can I just have sex with him and then never talk to him? I need him to be the Mr. Miyagi of my sex life.
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
i woke up on the couch at 5:24am, hangover, craving for some ribs, but i only had a bag of cheetos and a half empty beer. man what a breakfast.
I think my dick has healed enough that we can start having sex again
Hot or not, she’s from Boston. It’s hard to nut when she sounds like Mark Wahlberg
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