I'd fuck her but she fucked Dusty. And I'm pretty sure he's humped livestock
here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
genius idea. im gonna paint my penis green like the serpent of sex
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
Totally forgot this... How weird was it when they were licking our faces
Dude, you were so wasted she couldn't wait. She was grinding your face while you were passed out in the yard.
Btw I'm currently writing a paper in a beer garden. Be proud.
He woke up in a dragon costume, covered in bong water. That was a party we will regret missing.
So Bodhi just sent me a pic of someone's balls with a message that says "I hope you all have a ballin' night." I don't even know what level of friendship to call this anymore.
Oh my god.
The ballsiest level.
$150 and 3 orgasms. Dogsitting is awesome.
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
It can't be Friday yet, in still getting friend requests of people I don't remember from last weekend
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
Randomize
