I just blindly shoved it in. I'm still not sure which hole I got.
Just took a final in the room where I lost my virginity. I think it was god luck.
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
Free stuff before I even put his balls in my mouth like wow great start
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
I'm intrigued by how his mouth tasted the same as his dick.
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