We basically counted to 3 and then dumped each other.
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
I really should sober up and deal with this hangover
It seems to be one of those life decisions I'm perfectly content never making though
I want a picture of impoverished children wearing Oregon national champions shirts.
Yes, I feel sorry for the tribe that gets those. They won't be able to hide from the lions.
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
Also I just learned you, Samantha, and I three-way made out at my Halloween party. News to me.
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
I'm just now starting to feel better... I remembered sleeping on the floor. I was peeing and saw his rug and it looked so comfy
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
I have a txt file I don't remember making open on my desktop. All it says is "what it's like to be a bat"
...blackout vacation is awesome. Where did you end up? I think i'm in Miami.
Hospital.
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
Randomize
