he gave me an orgasm. multiple times. the weird stuff he did in middle school is now irrelevant.
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
I wouldn't be too worried. He's been known to chase a chubby before.
THAT IS NOT HOW YOU TALK TO YOUR SISTER
Oh and an honorable mention for your father's porn collection. Things I'll never forget.
What are your thoughts toward getting nasty in a minivan?
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
Interesting, I was always told to run away from crazy, but you seem to think we should run towards them dick first.
Randomize
