I just woke up in the coolest sweatsuit i have ever seen..it has cory's name on the tag...do we know a cory?
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
i'm not going because i feel like it's just gunna be a "this is your life" who i banged this years addition
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
My parents just suggested that we tailgate the midnight christmas service. this is my gene pool.
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
Dunno yet. Probably just gonna play the s.t.d. russian roulette game with random bartenders at the beach again. Same 'ol same 'ol
There is a mobile STD testing unit set up at my place of employment. In the lunchroom. I may need to reevaluate my career choices. And my lunch plans.
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
Bjs and tacos. That's my life.
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
Randomize
