I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
this kid at 40 friday greeted another kid by saying "heeey farmville neighbor"
dude.
yep. needless to say i didn't meet anyone and spent yet another friday night masturbating.
you kept talking about how hot andy milinakis is and the things you would do with him. no more tequila from him.
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
For looking exactly like her, she tasted less like her sister than I would've thought
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
He's freaking out just because my cat licked his balls while he was fucking me
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
I just replaced the poop spray with an air horn... Now we wait!
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
You know he wants it bad when he starts going door to door for condoms.
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