I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
Was just practicing flip cup with my NyQuil cup...
I hope this doesn't change things. I feel that me being a minor made it more exciting.
It's like I'm in a vicious cycle of noncommittal penis.
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
You were so excited to be getting 4 tickets to the Whale Rodeo.... That high
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
Afternoon delight is playing while I take a shit at mcdonalds
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
Is this making any sense, because I’m puking and trying to be Philosophical right now
Randomize
