She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
Um, I don't really remember much about the event... and then I woke up on the metro..
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
we've already established he's totally wasted. but now he's just sitting at his computer, doing i don't know what, and he keeps saying "dammmn girl" in a really low whisper
He passed out mid-signature
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
She posted on her FB that he moved out...It's like she wants me to fuck him.
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
You is good. You is important. You is a slut.
Note to self; if you can light it on fire, you probs shouldn't drink it
Of course his mom thinks you're nice, she doesn't know you have sex for cheeseburgers
One time!! I like sex and food....
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
Randomize
