just went onto Yahoo and the featured article had a picture of one of the Jonas brothers. last two times the featured article was a celebrity's face the headline was "Michael Jackson is Dead" and "Pitchman Billy Mays is Dead" so naturally I got a little excited. Turns out he's just engaged. Who gives a fuck.
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
I can't believe i facilitated a beer for sweater vest deal last night...
You put your shot glass in your waistband and then told me how convinent it was.
I inspected his penis with a mini flashlight to check for visible stds...he was clean
She Kept going around and squirting jello shots into guys mouths. That was her ice breaker.
I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
You didn't even properly utilize my pigtails.
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
I'm just so happy. I go to sleep and when I wake up there will be chocolate milk and penis.
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
When I came out of the bathroom you were naked dead asleep on the couch but your dick was still rock hard standing straight up. I almost took a pic. It was impressive.
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
A lady played my boobs as if they were drums. It's been that kinda night.
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