i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
The gym is handing out free condoms this week, motivation to work out this week?
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
Eh maybe I should give her a chance. Let's see where making a porno takes the friendship
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
Spent the majority of my senior year drunk. Graduate of 2011, I think 2011. Probably.
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
Almost stopped showering halfway through to go get food
Is it weird to smoke a bong with a client from work?
I just wanted a bootycall and now somehow I'm at his parents playing dominoes. But they have tequila so it's cool
No, I didn't meet up with him! That's when I had chlamydia.
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
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