I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
Don't get the hula weed. It makes you sleep walk in destructive and confusing ways. I'll explain on Saturday.
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
Just saw a couple chasing each other on lawn mowers. Oh South Knoxville.
He smells like cinnamon, and what I imagine to be orgasms
lesson learned. Never drop acid before a trip to the aquarium. Sounds awesome, is actually terrifying.
Only you could make a reflective vest look even remotely sexy
If he cant deal with my insomnia and sex drive I really feel sorry for his child and ex fiance. Adulthood breakups are depressing.
The power of the half flaccid cock, and to think, I thought I was just playing accordion in front of her Vagina!
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
Randomize
