last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
you were carrying a trash bag around insisting it was your purse. I'll let you guess how your night went
And by the way, how is me getting head even remotely comparable to you fucking 3 guys?
Moms kinda upset I threw up in grandmas bedroom. I think ill stay in tonight.
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
I really wasn't that bad. I thought I was pretty tame.
When Anthony passed out you poured vodka on his face
I think being an adult is being able to say no to free shots...I need to work on that.
he stopped during sex, told me i smelled like McDonald's and went harder..
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
I finally got out of bed at 8:30pm and my little brother informed me that I had cereal stuck to my back. I'm going to smoke a cigarette and go back to sleep.
Hahaha she was way into you and you kept arguing about burritos. It was amazing.
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
Randomize
