just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
I love the "adulterer" look on you. It's hot.
Its part of my fall instant classic line.
so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
Trying to find something to do here is like trying to find a vegan resturant in alabama.
just skyped with my friend to listen in on the people talking shit about me in the library. creepy or strategic?
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
Why is hotel staff askin about the blood in our room
Fun times on public transportation. I just had a guy imply that I was racist cause I didn't want to talk to him when I was clearly reading my book and he was clearly on coke.
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
2015 is the year I FINALLY ALMOST had enough dick to satisfy me.
I left my parents and ran through the airport. I was like I'm not getting stuck in Atlanta tonight and not having sex.
I might be drinking a 4-day old opened beer on a Wednesday. You're in no position to judge me.
It would have only made it one day at my place.
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
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