Would it be quicker to bike the freeway home?
Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
he was CRYING into my vagina
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
I knew it was going to be a good night when i heard another girl call his dick "Thor's Hammer"
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
Sidenote: do you recall your "give me the d" chant
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
i just remember sliding through the snow and yelling i love america before puking on the oncoming cars
That's the 3rd time I've gone home with her and she passed out on me. I poured 6 boxes of cereal on her and left
I miss you, too. It's hard to sleep without anything licking my head.
Wanna get drunk and make some bad decisions?
Are you calling me a bad decision?
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
You'll be pleased to know I just had an elaborate day dream about your penis. you were there too.
Randomize
