Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
I expect to be treated like a lady. Even If your sticking it in my ass.
she let a homeless guy feel her up so she could go for a ride in his shopping cart
I'll have my hookups make my March Madness picks. Win my bracket, win my heart. That's how it works right?
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
She said pants are for pussies while spooning peanut butter onto her frosted flakes with a serving spoon. She's not even high yet.
I try not to have friends with attractive fathers, it only brings my morals down.
We were getting fries and you hopped the counter and yelled "WELCOME TO GOOD BURGER HOME OF THE GOOD BURGER" and threw up
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
Did we actually play with swords last night or did I dream that?
I wish there were more things in this world as wonderful as string cheese
Surriously
Randomize
