So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
Just threw up. It looks like I may have swallowed a cigarette.
Currently trying to figure out if the guy has a cane next to me or brought a weird dildo to the bar
Slow dancing with the chandelier.
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
She has this wild look other eyes like she wouldn't be afraid to commit a felony.
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
You still owe me a blowjob for knowing more about hurricanes than you.
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
Randomize
