U know those big foam mats in the back gym for track?
ya, gonna go have sex there?
No I want one to have wings and pick me up and take me home
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
I don't know how much more of summer my liver can take.
my host sister just stared at me as i knocked over the lamp, then took out all my chocolate, walked into the bathroom, and locked the door. i'm officially the worst exchange student ever.
OMG HAIR ON HIS DICK. HAIR ON HIS DICK AS IN GROWING OUT OF HIS DICK. HAIR.
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
I don't want to have to force feed him my vagina!!
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
I really hope you are not drunk feeding a raccoon.
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
Cops swarmed my car last night in the walmart parking lot cause of the paper plate
Randomize
