When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
You have to understand, this is the first time I'm looking at a whopper sober.
I've never had a better reason to do blow of a Pittsburgh strippers ass than to try and keep pace with my dad.
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
We found them in a dumpster making out trying to get their privacy
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
I'm gonna eat you out with that hat on so it looks like beaker's doing it. And I'm gonna go "memememememe"
The hot tub didn't work. But it's okay because we discovered just how many people you can fit in a bathtub.
All the party invite said was a date and "21 to drink, 18ish to sleep over"
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
Girl you know I'm an advocate of debauchery but you might wanna check yoself.
HELL YEAH TIME TO KICK THE CHILDREN
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
Randomize
