Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
I got rejected. By another girl. At a red light. In front of seven shirtless cyclists in the middle of the night. How is that normal?!?
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
The bartender charged us for drinks. Life is different.
I don't know how or when he is sober long enough to donate plasma
She pretty much spent NYE measuring dicks, trying to decide which one to take home.
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
You drunk? Cause I have a terrible idea...
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
Randomize
