how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
just cuze she's 16 doesn't mean it's illegal to add her on facebook
he is so annoying
so stop sleeping with him
yeah but he is so hot when i'm drunk
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
spring break forecast: sunny with a chance of shitshow
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
I'm doing somethin that's never been done before...the 10 am booty call come over
we drunk the bar out of liquor so the guy was selling us bottles of wine for $2a each. Only good thing to come outta this flood
No sex in the champagne room. The champagne room being my life
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
I try not to have friends with attractive fathers, it only brings my morals down.
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
Randomize
