every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
mom just called and i was mid bong hit but i answered anyways coughing and sounding rough she the apologized for waking her little angel up. its 2PM
You know, be my cock's hype man.
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
Yes, that was me on the jumbo tron. No, i don't know why i was hiding.
I managed to fit my wallet, my keys, my phone, Tammy's necklace, and $38.50 all in my bra. and $1.50 is in quarters. go me.
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
I was desperately holding on to my sandwich while we had sex.
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
how do you always get into these "we banged the same dude now lets be friends" situations???
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
So do you guys remember Danny from Tinder?
Sorry I only remember personality traits, not names.
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