The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
you got kicked out last night because right after you said "whats up?" to us, you downed your whole vodka ton and threw it across the bar.
While I was fucking her, they came in and served us both weed from a hookah. best. friends. ever.
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
I'm doing shots of jagger in dixi cups and making a lesson plan for my 8th grader summer school class. My life is so close to adulthood I can taste it
I just kept screaming "I'm fucking a preacher's son!" Also, this water tastes like weed.
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
Mark just took 50mg Viagra. Tonight should be interesting for the neighbors.
That hot guy just got to class and he's eating a bagel sandwich. I dunno which I'm more attracted to
LOOK, I was 19, and I made a lot of choices with my crotch which I'm weirdly proud of
Yes dear.
I've been continuously high for the last 48 hours, and just broke my 4th vibrator. Coincidence? FIND ME A MAN I BEG OF YOU.
I can't have the last guy who touched my vagina be my coworker.
Randomize
