Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
Just walked pass a bum on the way to a coinstar... awkward
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
He wouldn't let me go down on him. He stopped me and told me he was a giver.
hey your mom heard me say to her " That right your not going to Shit right for a month"
Vodka?
Forever.
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
Left Las Vegas at 2:30 am, woke up at 11 AM at a Barstow gas station with the Valet from Ceaser' palace snoring in the backseat and no memory of how we got there. I felt like Raoul Fucjing Duke right then and there.
not that im pissed, but why are there two naked chicks in my bed?
Randomize
