then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
my parents are out trying to convince the local liquor stores to post "do not sell our daughter alcohol" flyers. i'm preping my defense now.
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
Do you knowwwwww you never ha to pee while lhr on eztacy
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
I'm glad they extended train service last night. People crying, screaming, throwing up, fighting and peeing themselves on a train made me feel like I've got my shit together.
It wasn't even dirty talking, it was more like the soothing gentle nonsense noises you make when you've spooked a horse.
I mean, "boo" isn't the appropriate response to someone dying...
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
it looks like a nuclear can of fuck blew up in here
I like how I can go from sucking dick in the my basement to singing along to veggie tales with my family in a span of 10 minutes.
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
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