I woke up naked by my window. blinds open. smiley face drawn on my window.
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
It was all going great until he pulled the hamburger meat out of his pocket
Look at my eyebrows in this pic! We deffo need to go back to that waxing place.
You have a cock in one hand and a shot in the other. Your eyebrows are not the topic in need of discussion.
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
Well, my breasts are swollen and I cried about the Iditarod. But I say PMS until proven pregnant.
Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
I woke up with $140 in twenties in my bra and have never been more puzzled.
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
Sorry i ignored you for so long. I think my vibrator is broken.
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
Randomize
