She's like a coupon for free blow jobs. No purchase necessary.
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
And it looks like I sent you 4 failed attempts at the word "hey." Sorry about that.
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
Well you just missed the ten chi o pledges singing la bamba at our doorstep.
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
Just walked by the barren window naked in a family neighborhood. Who needs dignity.
So you'd go straight for a fat chick with cheese on her tits?
Yes.
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
Randomize
