you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
dude your alot more fun to hang out around now that your addicted to coke...but seriously you need to stop
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
There is ecstasy everywhere. Get over here right no5w. The 5 is silent.
Apparently love is stronger than SoCo
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
It's getting harder and harder to find People to carry her home
She shouldn't drink
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
For reals. He's my age and he still hangs out at his frat house & gets hammered every weekend. Idk if I'm jealous of him or if I pity him
Randomize
