I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
I made weed fried chicken. What have you done today?
I am wrecking havoc on the skinny girls by going home with the big one. She is taking me to see her dog now.
please tell me we weren't that bad as freshmen
i can't, we're worse now
I can't relate, I like my boobs roaming free like a wild animal, and I occasionally let them devour small children
Get this. He's a red head and he works at country oven bakery. He will forever be known as the gingerbread man.
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
He showed me his sex playlist and it looked good, so I slept with him.
So what happened at girls night? My roomate found me passed out locked out on the front steps of the house and it was raining. Yes low moment
So...I know we have a conversation later this week. But one of the key things I want to know is if I can specify having my body mummified and buried in Egypt (or at least nearby the Luxor in Vegas). How much money do you think that would cost? Do I need to increase my life insurance policy?
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