Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
Before I left in the morning I deleted her purity ring app off her iPod, I figured it would save her the shame
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
And I feel bad.
Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
The bed I'm sleeping in has a headboard only handcuffs could love. I'm gonna pick up a local dude and wreck that.
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
There were 7 of us cowering in the kitchen because you were swinging a giant, pink double headed dildo around like a nunchuk and hitting anyone who came near you with it.
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
Yes. I masterbate to Harry Potter. It's what our generation does.
He left stubble rash on my thighs and cooked me bacon before 9am. I need to lock this down STAT
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
Randomize
