My dick has been asking about u. He said he didn't do anything wrong n I'm a dumbass
I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
I just threw up trying to put pants on. This is obviously a sign to stay naked.
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
WHAT KIND OF GUY JACKS OFF TO A PICTURE OF A BUTT WHAT IS THIS THE 1980s
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
Well the streak is over, I saw a penis today
girls shouldnt black out with american flag bandaids on their nips
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
He burst in the bathroom while I was peeing to hand me my beer I was looking for earlier tht night. And my pants were already down so I thought why not
Randomize
