you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
RAWRRRR IMA PURPLE DINO
dude i'm sitting right next to you.. stop texting me
Bts the comment you were making during that picture was "look we have penises"
we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
Hey, the point is, I have 3 guys to fuck to get over the last one. It's my golden rule. You told me to find a hobby! It translated as "find another guy".
That is the opposite way I told you to find a hobby.
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
ON A SIMILAR NOTE MY DICK SIZE PSYCHIC SKILLS ARE SO GOOD
dude, my hangover is telling me there was tequila involved
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
You took all of your clothes off and tried to seduce me and while trying to seduce me you decided you were too drunk and passed out.
Randomize
