I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
But when he came on my stomach I noticed how tan I was!
That would explain his violent outburst while watching barefoot contessa...
great idea involving lots of fake blood and face paint, call me tomorrow.
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
If your wondering why there is a puddle on the floor is I may have decided to make a kiddie pool in your living room.
THERE ARE SO MANY ALCOHOLS IN MY BLOOD RIGHT NOW
Just gave my thesis presentation, pretty sure I made out with the admissions woman last night.
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
im half tempted just to scoot up to him and whisper "I'm not wearing underwear" but idk if thats a heartfelt apology
The laundromat is nothing like In the pornos
Wait I can't come yet Mr. Brightside is playing
ok i defs just took my shirt off in the middle of a frat party though so keep me updated
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
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