The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
living well may be the best revenge, but it doesn't hurt that my exhusband is now dating a BEAST.
that's almost as bad as that time i almost ashed in a baby carriage
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
If I weren't her cousin I'd take advantage of her and this low point in her life.
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
Oooo yea. You face planted on my bed but only half your body made it so you noodled onto the floor but kept saying prepare to be murdered which is when you started taking your pants off but stopped at your ankles cause it was too hard
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
He added me to his contacts as 'boot and rally'...have you ever been more proud to be related to me?
I can't wait to tell mom.
Word my sister pulled through for me and brought vodka shooters for the plane. its about to be a sloppy 4 hours
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
and it's like......my shirt is off and he's talking about quidditch. why.
I'm sitting next to the guy that peed in our drying machine
maybe you should have closed the porn before you gave the professor your computer to hook up to the projector?
Randomize
