why does he think he needs to feed/take me out to get some ass? we are at a bar wasting my fucking time
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
I hate the hobo that sits outside our building
Joe or Chris?
do i even wanna kno y u kno their names?
well i came home drunk one night and Chris offered me a beer as i was coming in, it was kinda weird but i wasn't goin to deny a free beer. you're proolly talkin about Joe though, he's the one with the fucked up eye.
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
this year's halloween challenge: make audrey hepburn go from classy to slutty drunk
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
I hooked up with a 20 year old last night. I feel like a hocus pocus witch that sucked life from a child.
stef broke her leg trying to vault over the coffee table. these olympics drinking games are going to fucking kill us
I'd feel bad about being drunk at the Christmas service, except for the fact that I've already had sex in this church, so this is just small change.
So while you were living in this woman's apartment, you acquired a room mate, fucked her daughter, and killed her bunny. Worst sitter ever
He sent me nudes and then a text asking if I tried the new Cantina Bowl from Taco Bell. He sure does romance right, doesn't he?
I was telling my friend about your penis and the only word I could think of was voluptuous. You have a voluptuous dick.
I'VE LOST MY DIGNITY, MY PRIDE, AND EVEN MY BOOTY CALL. HAPPY THANKSGIVING.
how do i act around someone who's shoes i puked in while naked and blackout?
Randomize
