that's when I learned why R Kelly peed on that bitch
I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
I go to guys houses late at night, have a little fun, come back by dawn having made their life a little bit better. I am the official blow job fairy.
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
running the faucet water is not hiding the sound of you vomiting. fyi.
Well. Turns up no one actually knows who that kid was. Came in, said happy fathers day, chilled for a while, then left.
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
I was walking back to the dorm and was made fun of for wearing a coat. I'M SORRY I CARE ABOUT MY WELL BEING.
it's like i'm making a family tree of tunnel buddies for my vagina
There's just something so liberating about drinking a beer with no pants on
I texted her that I burned my tongue drinking coffee so it hurt to talk or kiss... How many points do I get for doing her without talking or making out first?
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
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